love isn't real....

Scared;

I love how I’m so attached to you, and I can tell you anything.

I can be my dorky self around you.. be 110% comfortable around you…

But when I can’t see you, I fall apart.

I’m scared… one day, you’ll hurt me, because of how attached I am too you.

I’m scared, because I’m falling in love with you.

Its not the simple “I love you,” …

But it is the more complex.. “I’m in love with you.”

What do I do…?

I wish you were here to tell me I’m naive, and that I’m making a mistake…

I want soo bad to say yes, and be engaged.. to someone else.

But I hear your voice in my head, and you’re telling me I’m making the biggest mistake of my life..

And instead of taking that huge leap, I’m taking 3 steps back because of how scared I am of you.

You broke my heart; and then you break it again.

We’re not even together anymore, and yet somehow you still manage to break me apart, you know exactly what your doing to me.

You know how I feel. I say I’m over you, and that you can go to hell… but really I’m burning while I sit here thinking about it.

I understand why we stopped talking before, but why this time? I did nothing wrong, I guess I’m just to much for you to handle.

I must be to complex for a MAN like you to handle.

Still though, I adore everything about you.. I wish I could just push fast forward and skip all this pain and denial.

Peanut;

My day always gets better when puppy Peanut is happy.(:

Change;

This is just a random break-down. /:

People, life, personality, attitude, appearance, relationships, etc.. they all change; some for the better, others for the worst.

When things around me change, majority most things are for the worst.

Today, my “babe” changed into a mean person when he was mad.. it upsets me that I couldn’t say or do anything to change that, that’s why I’m bummed now.

I’m woman enough to admit, I CHANGED.. Some days I like this change, because I’m filled with honest pure happiness, (and if you knew me, that’s not something I have often), and other days I’m just so rude & unpleasant with those around me that I love, that it causes so much problems &hurt for them and me.

I’ve been pushed away & pulled back between friendships, &relationships for the past 6 months, it’s beginning to be ridiculous.

My angel, disappears and reappears basically whenever he feels like it, when truly I need him for guidance, I’m tripping over my own 2-feet trying to figure out what is left, what is right, what is up, what is down, the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, yin and yang. One day I’ll believe I have everything pretty much in order, the next day I’m in my own cloud of confusion.

I can’t depend on very many people to reach out to; Though I need my angel, I can’t depend on him. /:

&For he who I have lost, damn I miss you, but hey I keep telling myself, I have to let you go. Be happy. Life your life. I’m happy for you, that’s all I can say for you.

Sister Junie, damn I mess up with you, soooo bad. You don’t know how much I regret it after. I’m trying to put more effort into holding my bitchy-side when your around. I want you to stay with me, and I’m soo scared of unintentionally pushing you away, when I need you sooo much. If I didn’t have you as my sister, bestfriend… wow what a personal hell that would be. I love you, soo much your my sister well basically you are xP but still, I will try harder to treat you with better respect and attitude. I want you and me to be close for a very long time.

[[ I break down as I write this ]]